It’s all too fast…

This season has been crazy to say the least.  I’ve undergone many changes in my life.  I’m not really at a place where I can truly say I’m happy.  That bothers me.  I feel I should be happy, full of joy, at peace…I mean that’s what grateful people do.  And, to be anything but grateful is a sin.  At least that’s what the voice that berates me daily says.  I want to be happy, I really do…I’m just not there.  Most days, all I want to do is lay in my bed.  It’s my favorite place.  Me, my bed, my computer, and a glass of wine.  That sounds so sad.  Sigh…

What I really want is to be successful.  I want to live a life of purpose.  Right now I feel like I’m in limbo with a head full of great ideas that I can’t implement.  I feel stuck.  I know all about taking baby steps.  But, what if your baby steps have prerequisites?  And, those prerequisites take time and money.  And, I just don’t know how much longer I can go waiting for my moment to live my life.  I feel like there HAS to be a better way.  And, because I feel deep down inside that there’s a better way, I can’t rest.  There has to be a way I can live my life NOW!

This old paradigm of working, working, working, and then living later just isn’t working for me.  I refuse!  I’m done with it!  I have to be able to live my life now!  When I’m not living my life, it feels like everything is moving so fast.  I want to slow down and savor every moment.  I want to eat better, cook and bake fun meals.   I want to have time to exercise, do my yoga, take daily walks.  I want to have time to make myself feel beautiful, do my hair, take bubble baths.  I want to have time to be artistic, create music, model.  I want to help others help themselves, be a health and wellness coach, a sustainable development consultant.  I want to have a family, have a partner, have children.

Right now I feel like I’m so busy making money that I am too tired to put in time for my dreams.  And, I’m stressed because even that is threatening to fall through.  I’m learning through this experience that putting all my eggs in one basket isn’t very wise.  I need multiple streams of income.  AND, to feel fulfilled they must all be aligned with my life purpose.  I refuse to enter 2012 feeling and living this way.  It’s unloving.  I must get started NOW living my life, living my dreams.  There is something that I can do NOW that is part of my purpose.  I may not be able to start a business…but I can start a workshop.  Where there’s a will there’s a way, it IS possible, and I’m determined to make it so!

Tags: alignment, Environment, Happiness, Health, Mental Health, negativity, peace, Personal development, positivity, postaweek2011, Self-Help, starting over, thoughts, Voluntary Simplicity

Questions…with no answers…

Where do I find the motivation to do for others what I’m not successful in doing for myself?

Why is it so hard to keep commitments to myself?

Why do I continue to let myself down?

Why do I care about others’ opinions of myself more than I do of my own?

What is this game that I play with myself that ends in verbal abuse? 

Am I addicted to the pain of it all?

How is this serving me?

Writing somehow is my therapy.  I don’t know why but I just feel better to put it all out in black and white, somehow in a way for others to see.  Again, motivated by others I guess.  Anywho…I just don’t know why I keep playing this game, when it hurts so bad.  Maybe I’m being too hard on myself.   But, it’s frustrating to set goals and fall through every time.  Yeah, I know everyone makes resolutions and sets goals, and majority of us never follow through.  But, that’s not good enough for me.  Why the hell do I do it?  I have people I want to see and places I want to go.  I don’t have time for this ish!

Then there’s the added pressure of turning 31 this year.  Maybe that’s why I don’t want to celebrate my birthday.  I feel like a freaking failure.  I went to school and studied hard to be this “professional” and I’m stuck in this crappy middle class position.  The old “work hard and you’ll go up in your company” thing just isn’t true anymore.  Or, perhaps I just haven’t worked hard.  Or, maybe I’m just in the wrong effing profession.  But, it’s too late to really go back to school.  I mean, no, it’s never too late…but geez…I’m still single and haven’t yet had a child, when exactly am I gonna make time for that?

Speaking of children, I need to get married first.  Do I really want to embarrass my well-to-do family by marrying a woman and having a child through some non-natural way of procreation?  Is this really who I am?  Hell, I really don’t have time to figure this ish out, my biological clock is ticking…tick-tock.  I’m not getting any younger.  What was I thinking?  I went to the club this weekend with my bestie and I tried to envision myself picking up one of the guys, and I just couldn’t do it.  And I hate myself for it.  I have to admit it, I’m not totally at peace with being the black sheep of the family.

And speaking of family, they were so proud of me this week for stepping up when my Mom had to be gone for Thanksgiving.  Oh, how great it was to be able to step in and cook the entire dinner myself.  Not only that, but basically help manage the household the entire week.  Kinda showed me that I can totally handle having a family.  Then, I remembered I’m 31 and single and need to have kids soon before I’m that mom that smells like Bengay on the playground.

It’s all rather depressing.  And then I beat myself up for being depressed and ungrateful of my wonderful life.  It’s like a never-ending cycle.  I just want to be happy.  I just want to have a happy life, with a partner, with children, with a great career, with my own successful businesses, with time and money to travel and be comfortable.  I feel like that’s what everyone wants, to a certain extent.  What is this crazy game called life?  Why the hell are we here playing this stupid game?  It’s just dumb!  Wtf is the point???

And, that ends my rant…just a bunch of questions, with no answers…

Tags: Advice, postaweek2011, Self-Help, spirituality, thoughts

Fun times?

Photo via theloveshop on etsy

Yesterday I had a conversation with a co-worker.  He asked me what do I like to do for fun.  And, I actually had to think about it!  What do I like to do for fun?  Yoga?  No, that sounds wacky.  Drinks with friends?  No, I sound like an alcoholic.  Reading?  Boring.  Shopping?  Eh, that sounds superficial.  I ended up just saying I don’t really have any hobbies.  Sigh…

So, now I’m thinking, I need to find a hobby.  I mean, I’ve been totally focused on finding myself and getting my career together, and living a life of purpose…and I haven’t taken the time to do things that really bring me joy.  I used to think that singing brought me joy, and um…no, it doesn’t.  I just had to have a real heart to heart with myself.  I think I’ve guilted myself into trying to make singing a consistent part of my life.  But, what I’ve learned is that if I don’t really love something, I just can’t bring myself to be dedicated to it.  There just won’t be any motivation.  (Now, don’t get me wrong, I still LIKE to sing and will take opportunities to sing…it’s just not like ohhh, lemme go do karaoke ’cause it gives me such a high!  Not…)

So, maybe my future response to this question will be…figuring out what I love to do for fun is what I like to do for fun.  Maybe I’ll try out some new hobbies and see which ones I really enjoy.  Hmm…a goal to try two new things a month sounds doable.  Hey, I’m having fun already! 

Tags: postaweek2011

Forget me not…

via EllaParry

I’m coming to realize that it’s not so much about how great I pray, or how long.  It’s not about me saying all the right words.  God is not sitting there waiting for me to say the magic word before He answers my prayer.  I’m seeing that most times, the prayer is already answered.  The act of prayer is simply a way for ME to get in alignment with what GOD already has for me.  It’s a time for me to REMEMBER and AFFIRM the truth of who I am, for my sake.

As I step into a new phase in my life, I’ve found myself feeling tempted to worry or become anxious.  In these moments, I ask God to please help me to be strong in my faith, to trust that everything is going to be okay.  I find that my prayers are not so much asking God to make sure my new phase goes well, because that is already done.  My prayers are to remind myself on a daily basis, God has my back, what is for me is for me…basically to remind myself of what He’s already told me and promised me.

I like to write down what God tells me during meditation, and what His plans are for me. I like to write things down, as we co-create together my life and my path.  I find it comforting during prayer, to open my book and re-read what God has said.  In these moments, I’m comforted.  In these moments I can remember and get in alignment with His promises for me.  Prayer for me, has been a form of a ‘forget-me-not’.  Prayer helps me to remember that, it is already written, it is already done, victory is mine; peace, joy, and love are mine…forever and always.

Tags: alignment, God, Holy Spirit, postaweek2011, prayer, Religion and Spirituality

Keep It Simple Stupid…

via JLNilsson at Etsy

I shouldn’t call myself stupid, but I love this saying.  I have to keep reminding myself that simplicity is key.  Nothing has to be complicated, and usually when things get to that point, something is seriously wrong.  Overwhelm sets in and then BAM! a mess.  I put so much pressure on myself to fit into these  molds that I think I should fit in, instead of just embracing and accepting what works for me.  Like, why force myself to exercise in the morning when I know good and well I’m not a morning person?  It’s just a recipe for failure.

I’m paring things down, focusing on the necessities, really being honest with myself about what I really want to do and what I need in this moment.  My career is my main focal point right now, and so is passing my professional engineering exam in October.  Along with that comes balance, making sure I’m taking care of myself, spending time with friends and loved ones, and making sure I’m enjoying my life and passions.  I’m learning how to say “no” more often.  I’m learning how to honor myself and speak up for myself.  I’m learning how to express how I truly feel and what I truly want.

Keeping it simple, for me, requires faith.  It requires faith that I am enough.  I realize I’ve piled stuff on, over-committed myself, and ignored my true needs and desires, all so that I can be good enough.  I want to be good enough, and I also don’t want to miss out on anything.  It’s almost like I’m afraid that if I don’t take every opportunity, that I’ll never get another one.  If I don’t do what this person wants (or even what I think they want), that they’ll leave me.  If I say how I truly feel, something awful will happen.  But, truly living authentically means that I won’t always be able to do everything, I won’t always agree with everyone, and I’m going to tick some people off along the way.  Truly living authentically means having faith that even if those things take place, I’m still loved.

Tags: Faith, KISS principle, Lifestyle Choices, Voluntary Simplicity

Depression…

Someone once said that people who attempt suicide really don’t want to die,
they just simply don’t want to feel the pain anymore.
I think the same can be said about people who find comfort in solitude when depressed,
they usually don’t necessarily want to lay in the bed as life passes by,
they just simply don’t want to feel the pain anymore.
Sometimes going through the motions of life mean fighting the thoughts,
feelings,
and emotions,
and it’s just too much.
It’s tiring.
It’s overwhelming.
Sometimes you just want a time-out.
It doesn’t make a person ungrateful or unappreciative of their life or their blessings…
it means the person is sick and needs help.
Wish it wasn’t so taboo to talk about it.
And I wish people who’ve never experienced it would shut the hell up with their judgements and empty advice.

Tags: Health, Mental Health

Playing Dead…

So, the other day I’m on the phone late at night, laying on my bed, and out the corner of my eye I see something moving on my wall.  I look over and it’s a damned water bug!  I’m such a girl when it comes to bugs, and I especially DON’T DO big ass bugs such as those.  Naturally, I jump up and run to the door, and watch, terrified…at the same time I’m thinking how the hell I’m gonna kill this thing.  Next thing I know, the darned thing tried to climb on the ceiling and falls…behind my bed.  Oh hells no, there’s no way I’m gonna be able to go to sleep with that thing in my room.  What do I do?  I go get my cat!

I get my cat Honey,  bring her in my room, and rest assured that she will eventually find it and torture it.  I know, that sounds horrible, I’m sorry.  So, about an hour or so goes by, and something’s got her attention because she leaps off the bed and I hear her running.  This goes on all night, it runs, she chases.  I finally fall asleep and the next morning I awake and see her sprawled out on the floor.  Did she eat it?  Is it dead…oh gosh, lemme put my flip-flops on just in case!  As I’m getting dressed, I look over and see it on the floor.  As I peer closer, I see that it’s on it’s back.  Wow, she killed it?!  Wait…I see it’s leg moving…this thing is PLAYING DEAD!

In this moment I’m thinking, wow…this sucker is smart!  It knows that if it’s not moving Honey will have no interest and will leave him alone.  Some might’ve felt bad for the poor thing, and let him free, but…I sprayed that thang!

Of course I had to think about what this all meant metaphysically.  I mean, it’s not common for me to get a water bug in my house (seriously, don’t judge me, lol).  So, here’s the moral to my story, and it’s two-fold:

Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations with people who leave you feeling like you’re constantly being chased by a cat.  Everything you try to say or do to rectify, change, or make things better just don’t work, instead they just make things worse.  In these instances, sometimes it’s best to just do…nothing!  Lay low, ignore it, back away, give it space, PLAY DEAD so to speak to get the cat off your back.  Allow time for things to cool off and gain some  insight on how to proceed further.  BUT, don’t play dead for too long or you just might get sprayed!  In other words…you can’t ignore obstacles in your life forever, you eventually have to face them, or they’ll overpower you and “kill” you.

Tags: Advice, peace, positivity, Relationship, relationships, Self-Help, spirituality, thoughts