Love Who You Are II Fine Are Print by chloeandsofiasmom on Etsy

Beloved,

I understand that what feels like rejection hurts like hell.  Let’s start by realizing that ‘rejection’ is YOUR judgement and YOUR projection.  ’Not now’ isn’t the same as ‘no’ or ‘never’.  Nonetheless, you feel like crap, not good enough and unwanted.  Why do you assume these beliefs?  Do you somehow feel like you’re not good enough and not wanted?  Because there are many other reasons for something not working out that aren’t so negative and harsh.  You realize that no one put you in that box, you did.  Your lack of self-esteem keeps you from shining and being respected.  When you don’t claim your space in this world, you will be cast off.  You have a place and a right to be here.  Hold your head high and claim your space.  When one person hisses at you, respect them but don’t back away!  And, don’t feel you have to defend yourself either.  Just simply hold your space.  How people act toward you has nothing to do with you, but it has everything to do with their self-esteem, experiences, or lack thereof.  Stop taking things personally.  Most often, things really have nothing to do with you.  Be proud of who you and what you bring to the table.  Shine!  When you are proud of who you are, you can respect others’ wishes.  Instead, what you’re doing is begging for validation.  You’re not asking someone to share your world. You’re asking for someone to say that you’re good enough, that you’re okay, that you rock.  Be honest about your intentions.  Build yourself up and believe in who you are.  When you believe in you, then others’ will too.  Too many times you neglect yourself, you sacrifice things that are important to you, just to have someone accept you and say you’re good enough.  It’s like you sell your soul for some validation.  No wonder you feel you aren’t good enough.  It’s like a mom who neglects her kids for a man.  The more you sell yourself the worse you’re going to feel.  You’re giving time meant for you in exchange for attention.  You’re saying you’re not good enough to wait until the right time.  You’re not good enough to work for.  And now, you’re not good to sell because your goods are totally not wanted.  Now you’re on clearance!  Of course you feel like shit!  You’ve got to reclaim yourself.  You’ve got to forgive yourself for selling yourself short.  You’ve got to forgive yourself for sacrificing your heart, feelings, and needs.  Then you’ve got to let it go and prove to yourself how much you love yourself.  Because right now you don’t trust yourself.  I mean, look at you, you’re denying yourself sunshine and life.  Get up and do something special for yourself.  Spoil yourself.  You’ve got a lot of making up to do.  Tell yourself and show yourself everyday just how much you love and appreciate YOU.

Love,

Your higher self

God:  Of course, but you have to take the first step.

So many times, I wait for there to be a sign that everything is going to be okay.  I wait until I know FOR SURE that everything is going to be fine.  I often don’t make a move until I am confident that everything is under control.  I can be like an overprotective mother, keeping myself in a contained area to avoid the “risks” and “unknown variables”.  But, I’ll continue to pray, and wait.  I’ll pray for strength, I’ll pray for joy, I’ll pray for peace…but I won’t make a move until I feel it or sense the change.

Fear can be so paralyzing.  It’s so strong and so real, and it keeps me from moving forward in some areas of my life.  It’s the fear of being hurt, or the fear of failure, or the fear of looking stupid.  If I can’t control those things, I’m super hesitant to step forward.  But, what does that say about my faith?  In my head, I’ve been thinking I have faith, I’m just waiting for confirmation.  LOL…well, that’s not really having faith.

Faith is standing on the promises that are unseen.  Faith is not a guarantee that nothing will ever go wrong.  Faith is not protection against heartbreak or disappointment.  Faith is knowing that God will have my back no matter what.  Faith is knowing that I will be able to handle whatever comes my way because my strength comes from the Lord.  Faith is knowing that when I make a step, God is right there with me, I am never alone!  Faith guarantees that no matter what happens, I ALWAYS have peace, love, and joy available to me in my heart.  Faith guarantees that NOTHING can take away the essence of who I am, I am that I am, and will always be…that is faith.

Today I am encouraged to step out on faith.  I am encouraged to not wait until I feel better before moving forward.  I am encouraged to surrender my fears, to surrender the outcomes and trust that no matter what, God will always have my back.

by coniLab on Etsy

I’m returning to center.  I’m acknowledging where I am, practicing patience, and keeping things super simple.  I have a tendency to focus on a billion things at a time.  However, now I’m releasing that tendency.  I’m sticking to a schedule, which really supports me in staying grounded.  I’m incorporating music and aromatherapy to support my mood.  And, I’m eating healthy on a consistent basis, which REALLY does help to keep me balanced!  Oh, and don’t let me forget prayer!  Prayer has been KEEPING ME!  LOL…

For the first time in a long while I can say that I feel good!

painting by Lisa Holmlund (paintedpetals on Etsy)

I think I’ve been a bit unfair with myself.  I’ve been really hard on myself for not being ‘high off life’.  I get angry with myself when I’m not happy, when I allow my depression to be triggered, and when I don’t follow through with my commitments to myself.  But, are my demands a bit unrealistic?  I’ve recently ended my relationship, my company is going through lay-offs, and I’m in the midst of making huge changes in my life.  In other words, I’m experiencing a major transformation.

Change is not always easy to handle.  Sometimes it takes time to adjust to changes.  As things change, I have feelings and emotions that I have to process.  I also have to realize that there will be a certain level of grieving with releasing the old.  No one expects someone to just be okay when they lose a loved one.  So, why do we expect people to just move on when they release other things in their lives?  Releasing people, places, and things is a death, and sometimes we have to treat ourselves kinder as we grieve those loses as well.

I’ve been trying to force myself to be my ‘normal’ self.  Today, I’m not going to do that.  Yes, it’s important that I still take care of me.  Yes, it’s important that I don’t get stuck in negative thoughts.  Yes, it’s important that I still spend time with loved ones and maintain a positive vibration.  However, I feel like I need to practice patience.  Patience means not expecting so much from myself during this time.  It means only focusing on a few things.  It means taking the time to really deal with and release my feelings that I’m experiencing, and doing it in a healthy way.  Patience means not judging and criticizing myself.  It means accepting where I am right now and really loving myself.

We can’t rush the processes of life.  Instead we have to trust and go with the flow.  I can have patience when I trust that everything is in divine order.  Everything is going to come together at just the right time.

Ain’t no feeling like being free
When your mind’s made up
And your hearts in the right place
Ain’t no feeling like being free
When you’ve done all you could
But was misunderstood
Ain’t no feeling like being free
I’m like an eagle set free
And finally I’m looking out for me
Ain’t no feeling like being free
Cause my mind’s made up
And my heart is in the right place

-Destiny’s Child, “Free”

Freedom is a state of mind.  And so are Peace and Joy.  I’m determined to be free, to feel it, and believe it.  I’m determined to have peace of mind and know joy in my heart.  I know that I have all these things in my heart, yet somehow I allow circumstances and others’ opinions about me affect me.  I still haven’t found a way to not take things so personal all the time.  It seems I internalize just about everything.  It seems there’s some belief I hold that says I can’t be at peace and love me if my circumstances look the way they do.  Or, I can’t be happy if someone feels a certain way about me.

Before the new year started, my old roommate moved out and I decided not to sublet my 2nd bedroom again.  Instead, I decided to make the 2nd bedroom my home office.  I hired a professional to help me organize and set everything up.  I got rid of A LOT of stuff and made room for new things that really made my office and bedroom feel warm and cozy.  I absolutely LOVE my new office, and I love the changes I’ve made in the rest of my house.  I felt this new-found freedom!  I was so happy, and for the first time in a long time, I began to feel this joy in my heart.  I had this new energy, and I was excited to wake up everyday.  I even started back on my health kick and stopped eating out completely.  I was having fun in the kitchen cooking again like I used to.  I set new goals for the new year, made my vision board, and as the new year began…I felt really optimistic!

Fast forward to now.  I don’t know what happened.  It just seemed like one disappointment after another came at me.  It became harder and harder to maintain the new energy and rhythm I’d just felt in my life.  Slowly but surely, I felt myself reverting back to my old thoughts, feelings, and ways.  It’s like I take three steps forward and two steps back.  It’s sooo frustrating!  I get angry with myself for not being stronger.  I try to be patient with myself, but it’s like I don’t get it!  Why do I hate myself so?

I almost feel like I’m at war with my old self, my old thoughts, and my old beliefs.  But, why would the old me not want to see my succeed?  What’s her deal?  And, how long will this war last?  Will this war be ongoing…like for the rest of my life?  Or will it ever get better or go away?  All I know is, I’m not giving up.  I’m gonna take this one day at a time and do my best.  That has to count for something.

Ever hear the story of the guy who goes to the doctor because his arm hurts?  He says…’Doc, every time I sleep on my arm, it hurts when I wake up.’ So, the doc then says…’Well, stop sleeping on it!’

Sometimes life is just that simple. Really.

What I really want is to be successful.  I want to live a life of purpose.  Right now I feel like I’m in limbo with a head full of great ideas that I can’t implement.  I feel stuck.  I know all about taking baby steps.  But, what if your baby steps have prerequisites?  And, those prerequisites take time and money.  And, I just don’t know how much longer I can go waiting for my moment to live my life.  I feel like there HAS to be a better way.  And, because I feel deep down inside that there’s a better way, I can’t rest.  There has to be a way I can live my life NOW!

This old paradigm of working, working, working, and then living later just isn’t working for me.  I refuse!  I’m done with it!  I have to be able to live my life now!  When I’m not living my life, it feels like everything is moving so fast.  I want to slow down and savor every moment.  I want to eat better, cook and bake fun meals.   I want to have time to exercise, do my yoga, take daily walks.  I want to have time to make myself feel beautiful, do my hair, take bubble baths.  I want to have time to be artistic, create music, model.  I want to help others help themselves, be a health and wellness coach, a sustainable development consultant.  I want to have a family, have a partner, have children.

Right now I feel like I’m so busy making money that I am too tired to put in time for my dreams.  And, I’m stressed because even that is threatening to fall through.  I’m learning through this experience that putting all my eggs in one basket isn’t very wise.  I need multiple streams of income.  AND, to feel fulfilled they must all be aligned with my life purpose.  I refuse to enter 2012 feeling and living this way.  It’s unloving.  I must get started NOW living my life, living my dreams.  There is something that I can do NOW that is part of my purpose.  I may not be able to start a business…but I can start a workshop.  Where there’s a will there’s a way, it IS possible, and I’m determined to make it so!

Why is it so hard to keep commitments to myself?

Why do I continue to let myself down?

Why do I care about others’ opinions of myself more than I do of my own?

What is this game that I play with myself that ends in verbal abuse? 

Am I addicted to the pain of it all?

How is this serving me?

Writing somehow is my therapy.  I don’t know why but I just feel better to put it all out in black and white, somehow in a way for others to see.  Again, motivated by others I guess.  Anywho…I just don’t know why I keep playing this game, when it hurts so bad.  Maybe I’m being too hard on myself.   But, it’s frustrating to set goals and fall through every time.  Yeah, I know everyone makes resolutions and sets goals, and majority of us never follow through.  But, that’s not good enough for me.  Why the hell do I do it?  I have people I want to see and places I want to go.  I don’t have time for this ish!

Then there’s the added pressure of turning 31 this year.  Maybe that’s why I don’t want to celebrate my birthday.  I feel like a freaking failure.  I went to school and studied hard to be this “professional” and I’m stuck in this crappy middle class position.  The old “work hard and you’ll go up in your company” thing just isn’t true anymore.  Or, perhaps I just haven’t worked hard.  Or, maybe I’m just in the wrong effing profession.  But, it’s too late to really go back to school.  I mean, no, it’s never too late…but geez…I’m still single and haven’t yet had a child, when exactly am I gonna make time for that?

Speaking of children, I need to get married first.  Do I really want to embarrass my well-to-do family by marrying a woman and having a child through some non-natural way of procreation?  Is this really who I am?  Hell, I really don’t have time to figure this ish out, my biological clock is ticking…tick-tock.  I’m not getting any younger.  What was I thinking?  I went to the club this weekend with my bestie and I tried to envision myself picking up one of the guys, and I just couldn’t do it.  And I hate myself for it.  I have to admit it, I’m not totally at peace with being the black sheep of the family.

And speaking of family, they were so proud of me this week for stepping up when my Mom had to be gone for Thanksgiving.  Oh, how great it was to be able to step in and cook the entire dinner myself.  Not only that, but basically help manage the household the entire week.  Kinda showed me that I can totally handle having a family.  Then, I remembered I’m 31 and single and need to have kids soon before I’m that mom that smells like Bengay on the playground.

It’s all rather depressing.  And then I beat myself up for being depressed and ungrateful of my wonderful life.  It’s like a never-ending cycle.  I just want to be happy.  I just want to have a happy life, with a partner, with children, with a great career, with my own successful businesses, with time and money to travel and be comfortable.  I feel like that’s what everyone wants, to a certain extent.  What is this crazy game called life?  Why the hell are we here playing this stupid game?  It’s just dumb!  Wtf is the point???

And, that ends my rant…just a bunch of questions, with no answers…

Photo via theloveshop on etsy

Yesterday I had a conversation with a co-worker.  He asked me what do I like to do for fun.  And, I actually had to think about it!  What do I like to do for fun?  Yoga?  No, that sounds wacky.  Drinks with friends?  No, I sound like an alcoholic.  Reading?  Boring.  Shopping?  Eh, that sounds superficial.  I ended up just saying I don’t really have any hobbies.  Sigh…

So, now I’m thinking, I need to find a hobby.  I mean, I’ve been totally focused on finding myself and getting my career together, and living a life of purpose…and I haven’t taken the time to do things that really bring me joy.  I used to think that singing brought me joy, and um…no, it doesn’t.  I just had to have a real heart to heart with myself.  I think I’ve guilted myself into trying to make singing a consistent part of my life.  But, what I’ve learned is that if I don’t really love something, I just can’t bring myself to be dedicated to it.  There just won’t be any motivation.  (Now, don’t get me wrong, I still LIKE to sing and will take opportunities to sing…it’s just not like ohhh, lemme go do karaoke ’cause it gives me such a high!  Not…)

So, maybe my future response to this question will be…figuring out what I love to do for fun is what I like to do for fun.  Maybe I’ll try out some new hobbies and see which ones I really enjoy.  Hmm…a goal to try two new things a month sounds doable.  Hey, I’m having fun already! 

via EllaParry

I’m coming to realize that it’s not so much about how great I pray, or how long.  It’s not about me saying all the right words.  God is not sitting there waiting for me to say the magic word before He answers my prayer.  I’m seeing that most times, the prayer is already answered.  The act of prayer is simply a way for ME to get in alignment with what GOD already has for me.  It’s a time for me to REMEMBER and AFFIRM the truth of who I am, for my sake.

As I step into a new phase in my life, I’ve found myself feeling tempted to worry or become anxious.  In these moments, I ask God to please help me to be strong in my faith, to trust that everything is going to be okay.  I find that my prayers are not so much asking God to make sure my new phase goes well, because that is already done.  My prayers are to remind myself on a daily basis, God has my back, what is for me is for me…basically to remind myself of what He’s already told me and promised me.

I like to write down what God tells me during meditation, and what His plans are for me. I like to write things down, as we co-create together my life and my path.  I find it comforting during prayer, to open my book and re-read what God has said.  In these moments, I’m comforted.  In these moments I can remember and get in alignment with His promises for me.  Prayer for me, has been a form of a ‘forget-me-not’.  Prayer helps me to remember that, it is already written, it is already done, victory is mine; peace, joy, and love are mine…forever and always.